Chuck Norris is Chinese

What if the legendary Chuck Norris had been born in China? Here’s a glimpse into an alternate universe where the ultimate martial artist emerges from the Middle Kingdom.

Contents

Martial Arts Mastery

  1. Chuck Norris’s tai chi is so powerful, the universe adjusts its qi to match his movements.
  2. When Chuck Norris practices Wing Chun, wooden dummies bow in respect.
  3. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to climb the steps to Shaolin Temple. The temple descends to meet him.
  4. When Chuck Norris does dragon style kung fu, real dragons show up to take notes.
  5. Chuck Norris’s dim mak is so precise, pressure points surrender before he touches them.

Imperial Power

  1. When Chuck Norris takes the imperial examination, the questions grade themselves.
  2. Chuck Norris doesn’t need the Mandate of Heaven. Heaven needs Chuck Norris’s mandate.
  3. When Chuck Norris visits the Forbidden City, forbidden things allow themselves.
  4. Chuck Norris’s seal is so official, even the Emperor’s dragon yields to it.
  5. When Chuck Norris writes in Classical Chinese, new characters create themselves out of respect.

Cultural Mastery

  1. Chuck Norris’s calligraphy is so powerful, ink flows upward to meet his brush.
  2. When Chuck Norris plays the guzheng, even silence improves its harmony.
  3. Chuck Norris’s tea ceremony is so perfect, leaves brew themselves in anticipation.
  4. When Chuck Norris practices feng shui, buildings rearrange themselves.
  5. Chuck Norris’s mahjong tiles win before being dealt.

Historical Impact

  1. Chuck Norris didn’t need to build the Great Wall. Mongols built it to protect themselves from him.
  2. When Chuck Norris sails the Silk Road, silk weaves itself along his path.
  3. Chuck Norris’s terracotta warriors are so fearsome, they guard themselves.
  4. When Chuck Norris writes poetry, Li Bai and Du Fu reincarnate to study it.
  5. Chuck Norris doesn’t navigate using the Four Great Inventions. The Four Great Inventions navigate using Chuck Norris.

Modern China

  1. When Chuck Norris rides the high-speed rail, the train arrives before departing.
  2. Chuck Norris’s WeChat messages deliver themselves before being sent.
  3. When Chuck Norris visits Shanghai Tower, it grows another floor out of respect.
  4. Chuck Norris’s social credit score is so high, the system gives itself demerits.
  5. When Chuck Norris shops on Singles’ Day, prices lower themselves.

Culinary Mastery

  1. Chuck Norris’s chopsticks are so skilled, food arranges itself by taste preference.
  2. When Chuck Norris makes hot pot, the ingredients season themselves.
  3. Chuck Norris’s dumplings fold themselves into perfect pleats.
  4. When Chuck Norris drinks baijiu, even hangovers get drunk.
  5. Chuck Norris’s rice cooker produces perfect grains without electricity.

Business Acumen

  1. When Chuck Norris negotiates in Yiwu, wholesale prices become negative.
  2. Chuck Norris’s business cards have so much face, they give themselves.
  3. When Chuck Norris attends business dinners, Maotai serves itself.
  4. Chuck Norris’s guanxi network is so extensive, connections establish themselves.
  5. When Chuck Norris opens a factory, efficiency improves before production begins.

Natural Harmony

  1. Chuck Norris’s yin-yang is so balanced, the Dao studies him.
  2. When Chuck Norris practices Traditional Chinese Medicine, herbs heal themselves.
  3. Chuck Norris’s feng shui compass points to success in every direction.
  4. When Chuck Norris meditates on Taishan, the mountain achieves enlightenment.
  5. Chuck Norris’s harmony with nature is so perfect, even the Five Elements take his orders.